Conversations with My Waffles
I can't recall a time when food didn't call me at some point during the day or night.
Usually the conversation goes like this:
Call display: the Simmonds' Household Kitchen.
Me: Hello? This is Julie...
Cupcakes: I'm inviting you to the most delicious party at 8:00 pm sharp! Be there!
Me: Where should I meet you?
Cupcakes: On top of the fridge. I'll be wearing a white coat of icing, decorated in pink heart-shaped candies. You can't miss me.
Me: Sounds great! I can't wait to see you again! It's been a while.
Cupcakes: I know, I really miss you.
I usually say "awwww" after that last comment. My heart jumps for joy and I get all excited about seeing an old friend that I hadn't spent time with since…this morning.
Once during a weight watcher's meeting a discussion around losing weight turned into the discussions we have with our dinner plates. This is when I first realized that I'm not the only delusional overweight woman who has conversations with her food.
At what point did cupcakes become my best friend? The one I turn to when I am lonely, bored, stressed-out? Two nights ago, talking with my mom, she asked: what if, when we eat, we are trying to re-create a happy moment or a joyful time we've associated with that food?
And maybe that's exactly what so many of us attempt to do. Happy and wonderful memories are created in celebration, in love, in those little moments when we share a treat or a meal with our loved ones. And when we feel overwhelmed with emotion, we go back to that moment, unwrapping it bite by bite.
Consumed with guilt, disgust, self-loathing, stress, loneliness, boredom or tiredness; the voice in my head speaks to me through food. It says, "you'll feel better when…" 150 pounds later I finally realize I have eaten my way through life, dulling my moments of pain in trying to re-create a moment of joy.
I love the chapter in Geneen Roth's book titled, "Never Underestimate The Inclination To Bolt." She writes, " Obsession gives us a plane ticket out of a particular kind of heartbreak…It gives you the illusion of feeling everything without feeling anything."
I have to ask myself "Aren't I meant to actually feel ? Isn't this the way I am supposed to experience life?" What if I sat with my emotions, allowing them to pass through me right now, instead of trying to recreate the illusion of happiness through my dinner plate.